THE NEWSLETTER

 

This Weekend's Note from a Madman

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

 

Santa Packed a Gun

 

There are 800,000 Christian Iraqis out of a country of some 27 million. That's means about 3 percent of Iraqis are Christian, most of them Catholic. In contrast, there are some 6 million Jews in the US out of about 280 million, or 2 percent.

 

In years past, Iraqi Muslims cheered the Christians as they sang Carols on the streets of Baghdad during the Christmas Holiday Season. Today, those streets are silent. In years past, decorations adorned the homes of Iraqi Christians. Today those decorations remain inside. You see, Iraqi Christians are afraid of reappraisals from the terrorists in Iraq. They are afraid that Abu Musab al Zarqawi will issue a "fatwa" against all things Christmas if they show the joy and togetherness that this day used to bring.

 

Christmas, Hanukah and Quanza are celebrated in the US without any such fears.

 

Why is Christmas in Iraq a problem now when it never was before?

Why is it that the only place in Iraq to sing Christmas Carols is in some hidden bunker deep in the Green Zone?

 

President George W. "Scrooge" Bush had better start listening to all those ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future before its too late.

 

-Noah Greenberg

 

A Note from a "Rightie" on Christmas Eve

 

On Christmas Eve, I received a love note from a "Rightie". In this note, I was accused of being a "homosexual", a "drug addict" and a "communist" and told that all three of these groups have a short life expectancy. I took that as a threat.

 

I guess I'll have to take a drug test while pledging allegiance to the flag during heterosexual sex with my wife in Macy's Window to prove I am none of those things.

 

I alerted both my township police department and the US Postal Police of this "love note", by the way.

 

It appears that, although there were stamps on this over-stuffed envelope, the letter was hand-delivered into US Post Office Property... my mailbox.

 

The town where I live name was spelled wrong and the Zip Code does not exist according to the US Postal Service. Spelling and grammar mistakes were numerous and humorous. The word "WHORE" was spelled "H-O-E-R" while "BILLIONS" had only one "L". I guess one doesn't have a spell checker with his or her box of crayons.

 

Something did catch my eye, however. Anything that was hand-written was done so in B-L-O-C-K L-E-T-T-E-R-S. According to the FBI, that is the hardest handwriting to trace or identify. The person or people who sent Anthrax through the mail used block letters to help hide their identity. Maybe this grammar school dropout has been to a different school. Maybe he was schooled at the Carey Christian Academy in North Carolina where they teach over 600 students that "slavery wasn't that bad".  Maybe not.

 

Alan Greenspan, along with many other Jews like me were called both Nazi's and Communists in the letter. Didn't those two groups hate each other?

 

The letter blamed everything from outsourcing to religious persecution on me, and my "commie-fag-druggie" friends. Where do we have the time?

 

To my narrow-minded, uneducated (and I mean kindergarten), hate-filled acquaintance, I have just one thing to say...

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

-Noah Greenberg

 

(Oh, and by the way, there is no "H" in Noah No-No Greenbergh)


Stupid Quote of the Day

 

"By volunteering our time and talents where they are needed most, we help heal the sick, comfort those who suffer, and bring hope to those who despair,"

-"G"(lobal) "W"(arming) Bush on Christmas Eve, 2004

 

Then he might have said something like this: "I'll be on vacation until the third week in January. See y'all then."

 

-Noah Greenberg

 

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-Noah Greenberg