THE NEWSLETTER

Today's Note from a Madman

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

 

 

LIAR, LIAR

Remember back in 2000? Then Governor
Bush told us that the surplus is "our money and I'm gonna give it back to you"?

 

He gave your money back to your boss instead!



Optimism Abound

People who used to make decisions like "What data is pertinent to this report?" or "Which product should go into production first?" are now asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

Thanks for the NEW jobs,
G.W.



Shame as a Political Strategy

President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and finally acquiesced and say they are going to install armor plating on all vehicles.

Isn't it too bad that it takes
shame to make these guys do anything?



FOX SUCKS (What? Too Vague?)

Fox News must be really pissed off. After all, if Armstrong Williams earned $240,000 to push the "No Child Left" act (I left out the "Behind" on purpose. There are enough "behinds" in the Oval Office already.), then the Corporate Communist News Outlet must be owed 2 trillion dollars by the Bush Administration by now.

Fox News - The best media money can buy.



17 Percent

In 2000, young voters made up 17 percent of the vote. In 2004, they also made up 17 percent of the vote. That means that 3.4 million new people under the age of 30 went to the polls.

Thanks.



EVERYBODY VOTES!

And if you live in a RED COUNTY, you get to VOTE TWICE.



A RAFFLE TICKET IDEA

How about this:
Everyone goes to the poll. A
paper ticket comes out with a unique identifier on it. After the voting machines are read, you go home, log onto the Internet"s", go to a new, magical website and punch in that number. You put in the random security pass-code that also appears on the ticket (that is so no one other than the ticket holder can look at the result for that ticket) and it not only tells you that your vote was counted, but also tells you HOW you voted.

If there are any discrepancies, you call up a "magical phone number" or file a complaint right on line.

If we can print lottery tickets and find out if we won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes on line, we can do this.



PRESIDENT CHENEY? (Eeek!)

Dick Cheney's approval rating on November 2, 2004 was at 29 percent.

If he was running for President, with the ways the vote was counted in Ohio and Florida, he would have won.

For that matter, if Walt Disney's Goofy were running, HE would have won.

Oh, right. He did.



Respect the Office

Whenever I hear the
Right say, "Even if you don't respect the man, you must respect the office." I think back to 1998 when the Democrats were saying the same thing.

The only difference is that what
Bill Clinton did to Monica Lewinsky, "G"lobal "W"arming Bush is doing to the rest of us.



Training Day

When major US cities train their police recruits, they room and board them and keep them away from distractions.
When the US Army trains their recruits, they room them and board them and keep them away from distractions.
Shouldn't we be doing the same thing with the Iraqi trainees?



Adopt-A-Racist

When the
Ku Klux Klan sued for the right to Adopt a section of Interstate 55 in Missouri. Senior U.S. District Judge Stephen N. Limbaugh (I wonder of he is related to Rush - that would explain a lot) in St. Louis ruled in their favor, finding that, "undisputed facts conclusively demonstrate that the state unconstitutionally denied the Klan's application based on the Klan's views."

Yeah... so?



With Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..."

You might be in the process of being tortured if...
...There's a broomstick up you rectum

You might be in the process of being tortured if...
...you're wearing a hood, dog collar and Spc. Jeremy Sivits is putting a lit cigarette out on your nipple

You might be in the process of being tortured if...
...You're naked, wet, lying on the floor and holding a memo from Judge Alberto Gonzales stating that it's "not torture"



Herr Rush

I listened to
Rush Limbaugh the other day. He crowned himself "America's News Director".

Didn't
Goerbles say the same thing in 1939?

Yavol!



You Can't handle the Truth

The
Marines have come up with a compromise with the Indonesian government. The compromise is that they will help the Indonesians recover from the tsunami disaster, but they won't carry weapons or set up camp on Indonesian soil. The Marines will have to go back to their ships in the evening, like a work-release program or something.

Maybe they should develop wings, or something.

Additionally, the
USS Abraham Lincoln had to leave the area around Indonesia because the Indonesian government won't let them perform flight operations and drills.

Are you kidding me?

Shouldn't someone from, oh say, the
White House make a call and say something like, "HEY! CUT IT OUT! WE'RE HERE TO HELP! STOP BEING SO UNBELIEVABLE STUPID."

But then again, that's just my opinion.



Another Red-Letter Day

Right before
Christmas, the White House announced the official end of the search for weapons of mass destruction.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Now can we bring our people home, please?
 


TODAY’S STUPID QUOTE

 

"Based on what we know today, the president would have taken the same action because this is about protecting the American people."
—White House press secretary Scott McClellan, on Wednesday, January 12, 2004

But would "G"lobl "W"arming Bush have wtill told us that Saddam Hussein had those WMD's anyway?

 

-Noah Greenberg


 

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-Noah Greenberg